Coffee and Talk

Why is it so difficult for us to say no? Why do we often feel obligated to say yes to events, things, and people, even when we truly don’t want to? Why are we taught that saying no to someone or something is impolite, and that saying yes is always the right thing to do? Whether it’s to a friend, a family member, or a client, it seems we are conditioned to believe that saying yes is what we should do.

I believe it’s time to break this pattern and challenge this idealization of politeness. We need to learn that it’s perfectly acceptable if someone says no to us, that it’s alright if someone is not available, and that respecting another person’s boundaries is a sign of healthy interaction. I have often said yes— to people, to functions, to events, and to personal commitments—when I desperately wanted to say no. I didn’t want to do it, be part of it, or even attend. Later, finding myself in those situations, I felt upset with myself for being there in the first place.

Over the years, I’ve been working on creating boundaries to confidently say no when that is my true feeling. I’ve come to realize that people who genuinely respect and accept us will understand and will not be upset with us for staying true to our feelings.

Many times, when I’ve reluctantly said yes, I wasn’t fully present for the person or the event—only my body was there. I teach my daughter and son that it is okay to say no, and it’s equally important to accept no from others gracefully. Sometimes, if we’re in a selfish mindset, a “no” can seem like a personal rejection, but it’s really not about us—it’s about the other person’s needs and limits.

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend who struggled with this exact issue. She didn’t know how to say no to someone because she didn’t want to hurt their feelings. But what about her own feelings and desires? Why should we consistently put our own needs last?

Understand that I’m not advocating for shirking responsibilities, like attending school functions or fulfilling job duties. This is about not betraying ourselves by always putting others first. For example, I always wanted to maintain a consistent gym routine, but I would drop it in a heartbeat if someone invited me out. Eventually, I became frustrated with myself for always placing others’ desires above my own promises to myself.

Now, things are different. I’ve learned to prioritize my commitments to myself alongside those to others. Of course, I still value time with my friends and family, but not at the cost of my personal goals and well-being.

This isn’t about becoming selfish; it’s about respecting and valuing our own time and choices as much as we do others’. It’s a challenging journey, a daily practice of discerning which opportunities to seize and which to let pass. Each time we fail to stand our ground is a lesson in why we did so and how we can hold firm in the future.

Seeing these moments not as failures, but as opportunities for growth and understanding, is key to ongoing personal development. If you find these reflections resonate with you, I invite you to reach out. Share your thoughts in the comments or send me an email. Let’s discuss this further—I’d love to hear your experiences and insights on this topic.